Norwegian Epic

Its too late now. Too late baby. The day has come.

For weeks I have been waking with a start. A cruise! A cruise? Oh my God, I’m 44 (and only just). What am I going on a cruise for? And alone. It’s going to be a nightmare.

I suppose the media obsession presently with all things disaster at sea hasn’t helped. Titanic this, Titanic that. I’m quite a Titanorak myself. But then there’s all the shows about incompetence at sea and why mighty cruise ships still founder, break in half, capsize, get swamped by ‘perfect’ waves. Cue the Oceanos and the Costa Concordia. And all the newspaper articles making poignant ‘things haven’t really changed’ contemporary conclusions. I’m scared half to death.

I decide to pack light. After all, the plan is to wear nothing but shorts and flip-flops for the next fortnight so how much stuff do I really need? As my Australia blog page advises, I leave the bathroom at home.

I get everything into my sports backpack – so no hold luggage. No hold luggage makes life so much easier.

So it is that I join my maiden trans-Atlantic cruise exactly 100 years to the day that the Titanic hit the fateful berg. I wonder if any mention will be made of it? – update 15 Apr: No mention was made but I did attend a lecture on the Mysteries of the Bermuda Triangle. It was pants. The guy giving the address didn’t know what he was on about, even though it was written on the screen in front of him. Bless. I thought it would be impolite to get up and leave but…well, we all have our limits of endurance. I cracked about 25 minutes in. I figured 1 person slipping away wouldn’t make much difference. Unfortunately though, as soon as I ‘broke the mould’ there was a sudden upsurgance of evacuees. Eikk. Sorry.

Norwegian Epic

Not exactly a looker is it? None of the sleek lines of the QE2 or the bold elegance of the Blue Riband ships of yesteryear. Ugly may be harsh. ‘Functional’. Looks like Chatsworth-on-sea. It’s the 3rd biggest cruise ship ever – 153,000 tonnes. That’s nearly 4 Titanics. Titanic, Titanic, Titanic, Titan…

Join at Miami. Lashing rain and howling winds. Could be choppy at sea. I hope so. Weather forecast is for a heat wave over Eastern US this week so maybe the Atlantic will be sunny? Oh, top tip, btw. At Miami airport arrivals, head for the left most passport control lane - Lane 36. Its signposted ‘Air crew and Diplomats’ only, but, being next to lane 25 what that signpost conceals is that just round the corner from “Air Crew and Diplomats Only -Lane 36” are normal lanes 26 thro 35 (see what I did there?). This means that the left column moves 10 times faster than all the others. When you are in line 25 for TWO HOURS!!!! that’s quite important.

Anyways, joining the Epic. As soon as I get out of the shuttle bus at the docks, after 24 hrs of rain, the sun comes out and its glorious. I’m glad I only have my backpack because I have no idea how luggage gets on board. Everyone else has tags and cards and loads of paperwork. I have nothing. Wonder if its all been a scam. The tickets were ridiculously cheap; I mean about a quarter what they were on other websites.

To my enormous relief, all they needed was my name and bingo – Im on board. The big question now is where will my cabin be. I have a ‘tbc’ allocation so it could be anywhere. Starboard side is important because that would mean sunlight all day (Port would be North facing throughout an entirely Eastbound journey).

I’ve been lucky up to now with travel. First my bus turned up exactly as I got to the bus stop (I’m easily pleased!) then the fast train was waiting at the platform as I got to the station. I find things like that most satisfying –serendipitous. Then, at the airport the Air Portugal people told me my flight had been cancelled due to an air-traffic controllers strike in Lisbon. Oh no!

But wait, to mitigate, they had booked me onto the direct British Airways flight instead (that had cost £250 more, hence my decision to go via Portugal). RE-sult. Go the striking Portuguese, go!

You can tell where this is leading, right? Yes, I got a starboard, a ‘POSH’ cabin (well, technically just a ‘- - SH’ cabin) and here it is:

I love this cabin. It has everything you need. I can’t imagine those in larger, swankier cabins being any more delighted with their lot than I am.

I get everything into one cupboard. There’s so much storage space in here.

Household appliances and vehicles besides, I reckon I could actually get ALL my worldly possessions in here. Heck, I could live in this cabin.

The ship really is..well…EPPP ICCC.

Its so beautiful too. Really tastefully decked out. I’ve seen videos and photos of modern cruise ships and they look so tacky and garish but this ship is just right, not too ostentatious, not bland, not in your face. Smart, crisp. Clean. And so, so much space. Even at the mandatory boat drill that everyone attends there is space to spare.

I wonder round the ship like I’ve never seen one before. I know I keep going on about it (last reference I promise) but can’t help thinking this must be how people boarding the Titanic felt 100 years ago; marvelling at every new and wonderful sight. I can see why they called it ‘Epic’. Its sister ship is called the ’Awesome Dude!’

After feeling like I’d died and gone to Heaven at the vast amount and variety of food available I head to the party deck.

Shortly after we set sail, so too does the sun.

Day 2

Having gone to bed at 9pm exhausted I arise with the sun. How’s this for the sight out your bedroom?

The day flies by. I sunbath but am determined not to overdo it. I like having a tan, don’t really like sunbathing - too impatient. So I try out the waterslides. Skip the very tame looking nursery slide (I’m not a child) and decide to start with the intermediate. No one else is on it so off I plunge.

Nobody told me it was going to be pitch-black in there. It was scary! Maybe that’s why, when I finally came into the light at its end I didn’t scrunch up and prevent getting half drowned. I’m glad no-one was around ‘cos it took me about 10 minutes to recover.

The big slide actually looks less scary ‘cos there’s more headroom and its lighter so you can see, and, you have an inflatable ring to sit on.

I was, however, wrong.

When I eventually got going (surely much bigger people than me use this slide?) I shot off backwards down the chute. There’s a sudden drop half way and this made me speed up and rotate. I came out into the bowl like a whirling dervish. Anyone have the faintest idea what a dervish is? (that’s not me btw – it’s my stunt double)



The momentum takes most people round the bowl once before dropping down the exit chute. I went round 3 times. If I hadn’t put my feet out as brakes it would have been 4 but embarrassment took the better of me. Think I may leave the waterslides a few days. update - see Day 10!

I have a plan re. eating. Little amounts, but lots of times. And as much fruit and veg as possible. All this food could actually be healthy.

Have myself a late afternoon nap. Bliss.

I’m booked to see The Blue Man Group this evening. I’ve heard of them. They had a run lasting years in the West End and Broadway. These guys are A-list aren’t they? Or at least they were. I have no idea what they do. Are they mime artists, dancers, magicians, acrobats….I really have no idea, but its free so why not.

The show was fantastic. Rather weird. But not as bizarre as the man next to me. He was laughing his head off. The guys on stage actually stopped 3 times cos he was…well…like a lunatic. The whole audience kept turning around and gawping. I wanted to hoist a placard saying, ‘Bloke next to me, NOT me’. But the strangest thing was that his mate immediately behind me was snoring like a road drill throughout the whole episode. Unreal.



Day 3

I’m not going to start every day with a photo from my balcony but seriously, is that the image of serenity or what?

The cunning eating plan isn’t going to plan. There’s just so much yummy stuff to eat and life on the ocean wave does strange things to the appetite. There’s ice cream on tap at stations all around the ship.

One good thing though, I’ve not had any alcohol all week. No need when my all time favourite drink is also free – iced tea. I’m still rather scared about buying stuff on board. Everything you purchase is automatically put on yr cabin account. Dangerous because there’s no sense of ‘spending’. Its not clear what the price of drinks are either, and you have to add gratuities and…oh, its simpler to drink the free stuff. I wonder if I could survive the next week on board just on iced tea and ice cream?

Hey, look what the cabin steward (who insists on calling me ‘Mr David’) left on my bed when he ‘turned down my cabin’.

You’re not getting a bigger tip pal.

My caution in the sun yesterday seems to have paid off. My front is red but not sore. I must have been at the limit. Today I will cover myself up.

I don’t ever look at myself at home, not really. There are a lot of mirrors in my cabin, including full lengths. My chest hair is white, not ‘fair’. Full on white. The tan accentuates it. The white has to go.

Leg tanning only today. My balcony is ideal for this.

Ooh, here’s an odd thing. As I was writing this something didn’t feel right about the ship. I looked out my balcony and could see that we were barely moving. Then stern thrusters fired up. Whats this all about – we are in mid ocean aren’t we?

Turns out it was a medical emergency evacuation. We had diverted to Bermuda and a launch was alongside.



Day 4

Not so sunny today. More the mid-Atlantic weather I was expecting. A day spent indoors. Quite a relief actually – it was very hot on deck yesterday.

One thing strikes me. Apart from the mandatory ‘very well thank you’ pleasantry exchanged with every smiling crew face and ‘...er..followed by the lobster please’ I haven’t actually spoken to anyone since joining.

Its not that I have been intentionally unsociable, its just traveling alone you eat alone, cabin alone, swim alone, nearly drown in a dark tube alone and, well, there’s no circumstance that has forced me to converse. Its marvellous. I haven’t had to explain to anyone where I come from and what I do for a living.

“Yes, but what do you actually do?”, as my sister keeps asking.

There was a close shave in the gift shop. “You British?” “Yes”.

“I’m Hungarian. (why do all Americans insist on being from Europe - but never England?) I just lurrve York-Shyyrre. I had a York-Shyyrre terrier. I swore allegiance to Queen Elizabeth”. Now to my way of thinking none of these statements are related. She continued;

“I was so upset when they didn’t allow me through the UK Residents only lane at Heathrow Airport. ‘But I swore allegiance to Queen Elizabeth!’ They called security but I refused to budge. They just waved me through in the end”. A painfully long silence followed.

“Must dash”.

Go to see another show tonight. ‘Legends’. A tribute thing. The first ‘legend’ is Steve Tyler. Not a legend by my reckoning but I guess they have to make do with the looky-likeys they can get. He really does look like Steve Tyler – poor sod.

Unfortunately, so too does the 2nd act – Madonna. Now I find Madonna scary at the best of times; those bulging muscles and throbbing veins, the manufactured goofy smile and the inappropriate leotards. Ooowwhh. But when she looks like Steve Tyler’s grandmother. Words do not suffice.

The 3rd act though – wow – EPP..ICC. ‘The king of rock & roll himself…Mr Elvis Presley’. He looked and sounded just like him, when he was a GI, pre Vegas. He did all the usual tracks from the movies and then left the stage to change into his sequins and flares. His band then built up the atmosphere and he made a dramatic entrance.

On the screens behind was footage of the real Elvis doing some tacky 70s Vegas show. Our Elvis did all the little ticks, winks to the ladies, hip wiggles, thrusts, wipes of the brow, lip snarls, everything kind of in synch with the original. It was great.

After the show, ‘Elvis’ posed for photos with his adoring fans. Elvis had not quite left the building. The guy was so funny. He seemed really nervous and uncomfortable. One passer-by said, “Hey Elvis, you’re really cute” and he went all red and didn’t know what to do with himself. He’d just been thrusting his crotch in strangers’ faces and now, 5 minutes later, he was like your 7 yr old cousin forced to wear a tie for the first time and asked to give grandma a kiss.


Day 5

Hoorah – the weather has improved.

What can I say about today. Hmm. What can I say about today? Food, sunbathing, more food. American TV. Sleep.

Although the weather is better, its still too windy and choppy for all the water features, which is a shame. I need to tame the waterslide and make it mine. At this rate I may be forced to attend more seminars and quizzes.

My cabin steward is really pushing for that tip bonus. I am actually impressed. Whatever will he conjure next?

Says something when the highlight of the day is a folded towel. Lol. Loving it.








Day 6

Are we nearly there yet?

The weather keeps looking promising, and the Captain keeps saying a sunny afternoon will follow, but to no avail. Sit in a hot tub for a while and tried to lounge in the ‘sun’ but I was looking a bit tragic.

Its day 6 on board and only now do I realise that you can dine posh at lunchtime as well. I’ve been feasting on the buffet, which isn’t very healthy. Plentiful and quick, but not healthy. And, at lunchtime, to eat posh you don’t have to dress up. Result. I try out the mid-ship restaurant.

“Hello sir, alone again?” Well…yes. Thanks for the broadcast. I don’t want company – that’s why I asked for a table to myself. Then the couple on the table next to me take pity and try to talk to me. I vvaant to be alone! I gulp my food down and run away.

Please, sunshine, visit again. I can’t take any more bean bag throwing competitions or demonstrations on how to fold paper cranes. A mouse.


In the evening I go to see the hypnotist show. I don’t think anyone was fully under because a lot of the comic stunts, you know, the ‘electric shock’ chair and the ‘everyone in the audience is naked’ gags didn’t really come together. One of the guys hypnotised was at least 7 foot and 30 stone. When he got ‘fruity’ with the host, as instructed, it all got a bit unpleasant. The guy bent the host over like a paperclip and started dry-humping him. There wasn’t much he could do about it.

After the show I went to the ‘Bliss Lounge’ – the indoor nightclub. Hadn’t been to it before. Bit creepy. Gay guys and cougars. Bad combination. I seek sanctuary in my cabin.

Day 7

Yeahh! Its sunny.

Attend a morning hypnosis class – ‘think yourself thinner’. Everything’s sorted now – Im going to be thin and successful. I make a video especially for Emma.

I like this carpet

And here is Carl - very smooth

Tonight’s show was a comedy magician. Pretty good. Was an early show (9.30) so was all done by 10.30. Seemed a bit early for bed so went to the karaoke. The Asian singers were very funny. I shouldn’t laugh but I’m immature. One American guy was amazing. Thought he must be part of the singing crew but no.

 

Since Im destined for thinness, I order a pizza to my cabin to eat in bed as I watch TV. The pizza is HUUUUGGE. Epic, I suppose. Made me sick.

Azores tomorrow – yippee!

Day 8

Day 9

Back at Sea

Watched ‘So You Think You Can Dance Epic’ last night. Basically old people making fools of themselves. I’ve always said that over 30 means you can only dance at weddings and strictly after both Midnight and at least 10 alcoholic beverages. Over 40 and you should not, under ANY circumstances, dance in public. I haven’t changed my mind.

That said, the competition was very, very funny. The judges were really sharp and they also did this ‘X-Factor Extra’ kind of behind the scenes show with the losers, where they were basically torn to shreds. The hapless contestants, who didn’t really know what was going on, played their part very sportingly. Am I getting old?

But that was last night. What did I do today? Err, can’t remember (and Im only writing this 24 hrs later). It was good though, whatever it was I did, or didn’t do. Great weather.

Doing nothing but eating, sunbathing and sleeping can be very tiring you know.  I think this is a frog?

Day 10

Disaster! The light that illuminates my camera screen has failed – which means my camera still works fine, but I cant see what Im taking pics of. Terrific.

Its been a bad 24hrs for technology. Found out yesterday that my browser no longer supports ‘blogger’, which is how I produce my blog. Its not just me though, loads about it online. Their new set-up means we can now do all sorts of great things on our blogs – except edit anything.

Terrific.

Cant do anything about the blog situation from here, but I can buy a super-dooper new waterproof camera.

Whilst I was stressing over the cost, the camera salesman took this pic. I do look worried don’t I? I’m hopeless at spending money. Some people enjoy it. I don’t. I’m excited though, because I can cheer myself up tomorrow (last day at sea) by taking images from the waterslides. Little things..

Day 11

My new camera takes excellent videos. I take pics and videos from the Jacuzzi, underwater, of the sunset and, my favourite, whilst on the waterslide.

Its all about making the most of it today. To some, that means shopping. For others, its about giving themselves an end of cruise treat in the speciality restaurants where you pay a little extra for the exclusivity.

For me, its ice-cream, iced tea and sunbathing.

Oh, and one last sunset.

Day 12

Leave the ship at Barcelona. I’ve been impressed with the 2 tours I went on. Both very relaxed. Plenty of space in the very comfortable coaches. So pleasant, in fact, that I really, really struggle to stay awake. Didn’t get much sleep on my last night.

Visit the mountain retreat of Montserrat.

The church bells, the vistas, choirs of angelic voices,….oh, and of course, being Spain, the endless drone of pneumatic drills.

And so its time to return home. Loved my cruise.

French Open next, at the end of May. Then Wimbledon, end of June. Have to stay put in London for the Olympics but then its New York for a week at Flushing Meadow in September.

And then, I think, I’d like to board the Epic again as it heads back to the Caribbean in October.

Its a hard lfie.